East Midlands Exchange

east_midlands @ 2009-08-21T07:50:00

2009-08-21T11:52:10Z

I am craving him. Craving his presence.
I am David in the wilderness, panting after him as a deer pants after water.
I am seeing him at a distance, just past the tree line.
I am seeking I am.

east_midlands @ 2009-08-04T01:16:00

2009-08-04T05:25:03Z

Being married is difficult. It's wonderful and brilliant but very difficult. It is so new. It's is strange to have to meld completely with another person. Nothing is your own anymore. Your money, your time, your food, your body -- it is all his as much as it's mine. Its getting easier as the months pass but I find myself frightened sometimes by what I think his reaction will be to some of my actions... and yet he always responds with patience and gentle rebuke when I am in the wrong. He never raises his voice. I am blessed. We are becoming one. I love that we waited to have sex. These past months have been hilarious learning each other's bodies. He's beautifully and wonderfully made. I smile at the intimacy of him looking me over and being shocked at my makeup - the innocence and curiosity mixed with a strong desire makes me want him all the more. Honestly? We still fall into giggling fits after our sack sessions... it's the best! He's the best... whoever said they were worried that the sex might be bad... psh... you don't even know! We're growing with Jesus too - struggling to find our place in the world of Christian systematics and trying to get away from our fear of man issues. Slowly but surely we're getting our footing and making amends with the people who have deeply hurt us and whom we have hurt. This entry sounds so deep... why the hell do I write this way on here? I think its because its almost 1:30 am and I'm sitting on my balcony listening to those bugs that chirp like crazy and they make me nostalgic... anyways! Wedding photos are on facebook... going to bed =)

east_midlands @ 2009-07-27T15:40:00

2009-07-27T19:42:26Z

I have returned from the great abyss that is not having the internet!
So excited to be back online so I can reconnect with folks in Windsor and England... It was like living in a cave I swear... and it didn't help matters that I didn't have TV either...

Anyways - gotta get ready for work. New job = RW & Co... worst...
Be blessed!

east_midlands @ 2009-05-21T10:52:00

2009-05-21T14:53:09Z

Getting married in two more sleeps! YIKES!
I can't believe its here!

east_midlands @ 2009-04-23T11:05:00

2009-04-23T15:05:32Z

I GET MARRIED IN A MONTH! YAY!

east_midlands @ 2009-04-21T21:00:00

2009-04-22T01:03:06Z

I am packing my life in to boxes. Everything since I was five has been in this house. It's all in boxes. All are marked fragile. There are books and albums. There are drawings and paintings. There are stuffed animals that will never leave my bedside wherever that may be. One month and this will no longer be my home. It's a bitter sweet life to give up my childhood for a husband. My husband...

east_midlands @ 2009-02-24T19:54:00

2009-02-25T00:56:40Z

Goodbye Facebook, we had good times. Alas, you and I spend an unhealthy amount of time together, so its time to end this. I don't think we should even try to be friends after this, its over, I can't see you anymore.

east_midlands @ 2009-01-01T03:39:00

2009-01-01T08:41:31Z

Tonight was grand. I'll write in full tomorrow, but to state a few important facts before I slip into sleep. I am getting married in 5 months. My resolution? To not let marriage be a pit fall to my dreams of being a teacher. I'm going to work harder than ever this year at my last semester of school - I'm going to bust my rear for a chance at teachers college. Gonna give er' this year. Peace out 2008.

This is not a resolution...

2008-12-30T06:15:45Z

As my wedding fast approaches and my anxiety increases, I've continued to gain, not loose, more weight. I've had enough. I'm finally going to really be disciplined this time. So I got a trainer. I bought new shoes. I bought a waterbottle. I downloaded some workout tunes. It's time to drop 35lbs and feel better about my body. This is for me. Not for Josh. Not for anyone. Losing this weight is for me. So here are my before pictures. This is the honest truth of where I am. Wish me luck. Also, any workout songs you like, toss em my way!

east_midlands @ 2008-12-25T12:34:00

2008-12-25T17:35:14Z

Happy Christmas!
Happy Birthday Jesus!!

east_midlands @ 2008-12-16T02:08:00

2008-12-16T07:09:39Z

Do you think its wrong to deliberately ignore someone for a couple of days, too cool off, to collect yourself? And if you've been wronged but the other person won't apologize... what do you do? How do you let that go? And I swear to God, if someone gives me a "Give it to Jesus" answer, I will TRIP.

east_midlands @ 2008-12-15T21:06:00

2008-12-16T02:08:16Z

Undulating like waves
Feelings at high tide soon crash
Down to rocky coast lines
Learning the ways of the sea
You will never always remember
But will you deliberately forget?

east_midlands @ 2008-11-17T16:52:00

2008-11-17T22:12:47Z

I am selfish to the core of my being. Really, truly. I am terrible and idiotic and cater most often to the image people expect of me. You would be surprised to know that there are very many images that blur into one greater portrait of a confused girl. To my non-christian friends, I am someone who enjoys a drink, but refuses out of bitter contempt for the church life she's stuck in, even though everyone knows I've been drunk on mulitple occasions while in Britian. To Josh, I am a loving, Christian wife who constantly agrees with his distorted and conflicting theology as he battles through what he does and does not believe. To my family, I am a way-ward Christian who has become an alchoholic.

So what image, what mantle do I chase? I understand now how much integrity is worth -- but sadly mine is gone. Jesus, I am so sorry. I want to be, out of all those images, the one Josh sees in me. I want to be his loving, God-fearing wife who is above reproach and who prays with ferver, direction, and understanding. I want to call him out when I don't think his theology is right. I want to stay nestled in your arms and in your church. I'm sorry I have tarnished its name and tarnished my place in it. I'm sorry I will just say things to get people off my back. I suck like that. Teach me to try again. Teach me to only let words of grace pass my lips and not those of vulgarity. Help me to be righteous. Let me stay away from drinking all together so that I don't tempt people, even though I don't think its wrong to drink. Let me stand as an example...

east_midlands @ 2008-10-24T22:55:00

2008-10-25T02:56:51Z

I want to dress up hard core for Halloween... but I have no reason to. GRAH!! I want to be a friggen zombie or a star wars person! =(

east_midlands @ 2008-10-08T19:23:00

2008-10-08T23:26:32Z

I hate how I've spent the last two weeks complaining about my life. I feel like a tool now. My good friend, one of my best friends, just called me to tell me her father is going to die tomorrow. He is on life support and they are taking him off. He just went in yesterday with a cold... and tomorrow she'll be without a dad. No dad to walk her down the aisle. No dad... no dad... oh my God... what do I say? Nothing. I say nothing. I hold her, I provide a place for her to sleep. I give up my bed. I will be there for her. For anyone who reads this, please pray for her. She's going to need it.

east_midlands @ 2008-10-05T23:53:00

2008-10-06T04:00:05Z

Why, when I was ten, did no one ever tell me that everything you dreamed about may come true, but the midway point was absolute shit? I've known since an early age that I would probably end up marrying a pastor. It just made sense. I was passionate about Jesus and teaching - I'd teach, he'd be a pastor, and then when I had weekends, evenings, and summers off, I could do ministry along side my husband. I get married in just under a year. Our lives, our finances, our jobs, our schooling, is in shambles. We've got debt coming out our eyeballs, Josh is quitting his job tomorrow to focus on Lakemount, I don't have money to pay my last semester... How did we ever think this would work so soon? I mean, I know the end result will be good but wow - this is just not what I planned. I've spent all night in tears. You, reader, must think I'm all drama. That's because I only ever write to vent. It helps.

Josh is contemplating finishing his contract well at Lakemount and then returning home in January. I want nothing more than to have him home in Windsor. Yet I'm so conflicted because I know home isn't where he wants to be. He wants to stay in St. Catharines and to work at the church there. He loves those kids and loves the lifestyle. Bringing him back here would almost, dare I say it, send him into a depression. None-the-less... I want him back here, with me, where things are normal. God - please help. Please make sense of this all... I love you. I love him. I want him to pursue You. Make something work out. I'd appreciate it. LOVE me...

I love how my most desperate entries always turn into prayers.

east_midlands @ 2008-09-17T19:48:00

2008-09-17T23:52:33Z

I'm happy. No - I'm THRILLED with the way things are in my life right now. Just thought I would write it out for LJ to read. Josh is so wonderful. School is coming to its climax of being finished the undergrad process... I'm getting married... you know - just... loving life, living life, as Josh would say. A friend of mine just got home from seeing her BF for the first time and their pictures made me laugh - I can't wait to be with Josh like that, to have him and hold him and well - you know. Damn its been a long four years. Almost five by the time we do get married... I'm glad though, glad we waited to have sex... but its going to be an interesting time. hahaha I'm terrified of him still. Anyways... I rant... I'm just... so pumped with life - despite the Uwin strike... things are GLORIOUS!

east_midlands @ 2008-09-07T11:30:00

2008-09-07T15:31:21Z

I saw your secret today on post secret. Me too. We still have time, and the ball is still in your court.

east_midlands @ 2008-09-07T11:25:00

2008-09-07T15:28:13Z

Restriction and constriction
Laying in a bed of poor decisions
Three years ago.
Five months ago.
Hurting you wasn't an option.
Killing my will was.
Robotic reactions
This was the line that held a bright side.
There is none.

east_midlands @ 2008-08-19T09:14:00

2008-08-19T13:15:38Z

I think I want to puke.
I think I've made a bad decision.
Being honest just isn't worth it - but neither is lying.
Boxed.
Used.

east_midlands @ 2008-08-04T02:47:00

2008-08-04T06:50:57Z

I wanted to write tonight. I needed to write tonight. After weeks - months even - of stale conversation and constant motion, we sat still. We sat still and held eachother and were absorbed in the world of Henry VIII. It was wonderfull. I feel fuffilled. I feel loved. I feel... like all my worries and doubts have been pushed aside because we just were still for a moment - a night - and it was like it was before. There was no rush. There was no need for movement. There was no pressure to do anything to make the day - only be still.
God I love stillness
Where nothing changes
Nothing breathes
Nothing moves.
Where time is moving, but I just don't notice, nor do I care to.

east_midlands @ 2008-07-09T15:00:00

2008-07-09T19:10:56Z

They always said that my wedding would approach quicker than I realized. I wish they were wrong. A week before my engagement party I find myself sitting in a pile of old letters, photographs, trinkets - all collected over the years. I'm sobbing, not crying. There is an immense sense of loss that comes with this incredible gain. I am saying goodbye to my childhood and my adolescents. These pictures and letters... do I bring them with me? Do I store them? And this bedroom... I'm clinging to it like a scared child. It's my home. My sanctuary. I breathe the best here - think the best here. My entire university career has unfolded at this desk where I type these words. My stuffed animals - Charles, Isabelle, Owen, Dog, Bear - they look at me and question where their home will be in a couple months. I ask the same question right back. Saying goodbye forever to boys in photographs. Saying goodbye to marks on my walls. Saying goodbye to familiarity. This will be different. Immense sense of loss with incredible gain. I am glad that I have saved myself for this day, but I think that's what makes this so much more intense. Moving is going to be hard. It's only nine months away before We begin to empty my room. Pour me like water out of my jar in to a river that the current will be awefully strong in... I perfer to be honey, slowly dripping out with need of a spatual to get the last bit of me - even then my mark is permantely set on these four walls...

east_midlands @ 2008-06-17T16:31:00

2008-06-17T20:32:12Z

Dear LJ:
I'm finally marrying him. Eleven months until I'm his forever.
Love Me

Long time ago...

2008-06-04T02:11:49Z

Have you ever suddenly realized that even though nothing in your life makes sense and even though no body agrees with your decisions or can point out all your flaws that you just don't give a damn? My life is so wonderfully and terribly confusing. It's the most ridiculous paradox. I hate my life right now - I hate living in Windsor and living at home. I hate being three hours away from Joshua. I'm so mad with him and yet so ridiculously in love with him at the same time. He makes me smile more than anyone else in the world. When I'm with him, everything that bad dissapears. I'm at home. I know this next year will be hard. I know that everyone thinks we've been apart for too long and that we won't make it - but EFF you guys. You don't get who we are, or how our relationship is! You only think you see things!

Three years ago, my first summer with Josh, we went to Huntsville with his family. Gone for nearly three weeks we were desperate for a church service and hunted down a local pentecostal church (lame, I know!). To cut a long long story short, unless prompted to tell it, we ended up hanging out with a gentlman by the name of Travis Barber. At the age of 18 this guy looked at us and spoke so profoundly into our lives a blessing of marriage and of ministry together. He shared his own story. Thanks to facebook we found out he married her just this past year. So here's to Travis Barber and Andrea Jones. Here's to me being married, whenever that may come. Here's to fighting through the bad and laughing through the good. Here's to telling everyone else they can bugger off because they don't have a say in my happiness.

I choose love. I choose Joshua.

He friggen rocks.

Canadian Forces on my doorstep

2008-05-16T23:14:34Z

Why is it that we, as a generation or nation, are subject to advertising gimics and free give aways? I'm at work right now and right outside my store front is a Canadian Forces recruiting station. I respect the army - I respect that each individual nation will always have a standing army and that many of those involved are highly passionate about protecting their country. Yet as I sit here, it bother's me watching the hundreds of individuals walk by picking up free bracelets, posters, and key chains - Frick - they just put a Navy bracelet on an infant... Do these children realize that this is a career that is primarily about taking lives? That holding big guns doesn't really make you a man? The only reason they are here is because the economy is poor and its a time of high enrollment because people are struggling. Like I said - I respect those who are OLDER and in the army or a part of the resereves - but I hate their recruitment strategies, I hate that they target mere children and teens. War is not cool. War does not make you an adult. It is the dark realization that its your ass or someone else's. The War is Over... if you want it. Give peace a chance.